Pause
by kingszey
Summary: Lysander Scamander and Lily Potter promised to spend every December eleventh watching the dawn arrive together. But years go by and relationships change, and both know that it's only a matter of time until one of them doesn't turn up. One-shot.


**Alrighty I'm not sure how much sense this story will make but... anyway, I know Lysander is a lot younger than Lily but I made them the same age for convenience. And if I screwed the years up, I'm so sorry I'm terrible at those things. thank you and please review!**

* * *

**2016**

There is a time, early every morning, that is neither night nor day. It's that freeze, that delicate pause in time where the sky is not quite dark, but dawn has yet to spread its milky fingers over the horizon.

Lily Luna Potter had always marvelled at, and perhaps respected, this time. To her it was the question and the solution, the puzzle and the key. It meant the world to her. It _was _her world. Or maybe it was that the world just stopped for a few minutes, and there was nothing but her and the frozen beauty of the land around the tree in which she would sit. Yes, that was more accurate.

For a nine year old to be able to form such a connection to such an insubstantial thing – and for such sophisticated and meaningful reasons – was quite remarkable. It helped, however, that she had someone to share it with, a friend. Lysander Scamander had not only opened her eyes to the complexity of the time, but he shared it with her. Once a year, on the eleventh of December.

As always, she woke without needing an alarm on the eleventh. She didn't have a watch, but she knew it must be just gone five o'clock. Silently, she slipped from beneath her warm covers and onto the rough wooden floor of her bedroom. For a while she just stood there, shivering in the pre-dawn chill in nothing but her plaid flannelette pyjamas.

Lily forced herself to move, pulling on a large, woolly jumper from where it was folded on a chair. It had been James's jumper first; the sleeves were slightly too long and it was baggy on her. Her family was far from poor, but her mother believed in never letting good clothes be thrown away when someone in the family could still fit them. She slid her feet into a pair of pink fluffy slippers. Overall, her entire appearance clashed.

Her slippered feet made no sound as she crept down the stairs. It wasn't that she worried about getting in trouble – her parents knew where she was going – but she didn't want to wake them. For that reason, she closed the front door slowly, not wanting it to bang.

Finally, Lily was outside. It took a few seconds for the cold to reach her, but when it did it made her teeth chatter. Frost crunched beneath her feet as she jogged through the front yard and out the gate, on to one of Godric's Hollow's quiet streets. There she waited.

The silence that lay thick in the air muffled the sound of approaching footsteps, so Lily was half frightened as Lysander's presence appeared beside her. It was light enough to make out his shape and features – though maybe that was simply because she knew him so well, and had memorised him years ago.

He held a gloved hand to her with a smile on his face. "Shall we go, then?"

In answer, she took the offered hand and they set off down the street. Lily skipped on every third step, just like she always did, making her thin red hair lift of her shoulders and curl around her face. Lysander remained ever calm beside her, but his brown eyes sparkled in the dim light.

After a short walk in companionable silence, they reached a small church. To one side was a graveyard – the one in which Lily's grandparents lay in – and to the other side was a small park. Though everyone called it a park, it wasn't really. It was an accidental park; a piece of unoccupied land that grew lush green grass and was graced by a single, large oak tree.

The two reached the thick, twisting roots of the oak tree and Lysander immediately shimmied up the trunk. Once on the lowest branch, he held a hand down to Lily, who grasped it and hauled herself up after him. They both settled comfortably on the thick bough, slightly breathless.

Lily studied the dark sky. "We're a bit early," she remarked.

Her friend followed her gaze, and she felt him shrug beside her. "Nothing wrong with that. Last year we got here at midnight and kept falling asleep."

"Almost missed it, too," Lily remembered.

Lysander swung his legs absently. "I bet it feels weird, doesn't it?" he asked her. "Now that James and Al are at Hogwarts?"

She sighed almost imperceptivity, and Lysander didn't miss the longing there. "Yeah. Half the time I want them to come back, and half the time I want to join them there!"

He nudged her. "Only two more years!" He reminded her happily.

"I never knew what quiet felt like until James and Albus left," she admitted. "I thought I couldn't wait to be rid of them."

Lysander hated seeing his best friend in such clear misery. "You've still got me," he said seriously.

Lily flashed him a quick grin. "I know."

The conversation died off at that, and the two stayed in the tree, staring at the sky. Gradually, the pitch black turned to deep charcoal grey, and the two friends sat up quickly. They tensed in readiness, knowing that their special time would soon be among them.

And it was. Without any warning at all, the world around them came alive. There wasn't much light in the sky, but what little there was reflected off the frosty leaves and the sparkling grass. To anyone else, the whole scene may have appeared dull and grey, but to Lily and Lysander it held all the magic of a lifetime. They shared a smile – secretive, as if they knew something that others didn't. And they did, for they alone could share the uncomplicated warmth and, yes, love, that this… this _pause _brought upon the world.

Then it was gone, as the sun finally broke from the hills and day began.

They leaped down from their perches, one after the other, and walked away from the magnificent oak. They would not return to this place for exactly a year, as was tradition, but in the meantime they would stay as inseparable, as close, as ever. They were best friends and there could be no changing that.

**2018**

No matter where they were, Lysander Scamander and Lily Potter knew they would meet up on the eleventh of December to sit in a tree and experience that pause that had brought them together. Upon arrival at Hogwarts, they had immediately found a suitable sycamore near the bottom of the grounds that would have to do instead of their oak.

So at five o'clock in the morning, Lily found herself hurrying through the darkness, her wand sending out a small glow ahead of her to light her path. The sycamore lay ahead of her; it seemed to be merely a dark mass in the blackness. She held up her wand.

Lysander held up a hand to his eyes to shield the light. "Put that out!" he hissed to her, glaring down from the lowest branch.

Lily smiled softly despite his harsh tone. It was Lysander's _way, _to sound rough and irritated even when he wasn't. She obligingly put the wand into the pocket of her thick coat.

"Not even going to give me a hand up?" she whispered back.

She could feel his smile through the dark, and a second later, his hand appeared in front of her face. She used his strength to pull herself up beside him.

She knew he wouldn't welcome a hug, so contended herself to leaning against him happily. It had been harder than she had expected to stay best friends with Lysander – the sorting hat had, most surprisingly, placed her in Slytherin. With Lysander in Gryffindor, she couldn't sit with him during meals or in his common room, and they only had Potions and Herbology together. But despite their lack of communication, both had turned up to their private viewing of the _pause.  
_

"How's life in Slytherin?"

If any other Gryffindor had asked Lily this, their voice would be dripping with disdain. But Lysander showed only interest and friendship, and she knew he was genuinely enquiring to how she doing.

She shrugged. "Fine. They're not a bad crowd, really, despite the reputations that have been built up around us. What about you, huh?"

Lysander seemed to ponder that. "Not bad, I suppose. I heard Timothy McLaggen talking about you the other day," he added as an afterthought, but something in his voice changed. "I think he fancies you."

Lily screwed up her face. "He's such an annoying git." When Lysander made no further comment, Lily nudged his shoulder in concern. "Did he say something else? Something about you?"

"No."

"Then why are you upset about that?"

"I'm not."

Lily wanted to throw her hands up in frustration. Sensing that he didn't want to talk about Timothy, she changed the topic. "Have you had flying lessons yet?"

"Yeah." His tone lightened considerably. "It was great, wasn't it? Best feeling in the world! Don't you think?"

"Sure, until I fell off my broom and landed flat on my face in front of the Hufflepuffs _and _the Slytherins."

Lysander laughed, the sound chasing all the previous chill from the air around them. "You didn't?"

She nodded ruefully. "And Gregory Longbottom just laughed at me!"

He wrapped a protective arm around her. "I'll find a way to put itching powder in his pyjama's, don't you worry," he assured her, and just like that everything was back to the way it should be.

They sat like that – Lysander's arm around Lily's shoulders, leaning into eachother – as their golden moment came upon them. As usual, it was over in less than a minute, but it happened and it would happen again.

The day began and they went back to their own beds on opposite sides of the castle, safe with the knowledge that no matter what, they would unfailing turn up on the eleventh of December to watch the world stop.

**2024**

Lysander was slipping away from Lily, and try as she might, she could not manage to catch him. When she turned up to the sycamore tree, in their seventh year, she half expected that she would be alone for the dawn.

But of course, she should have known that Lysander would never let her down.

He smiled hesitantly through the darkness, his tired face illuminated by the light glowing from her wand. So many thing were unfamiliar this time around, yet when he reached a hand down to her, she didn't think twice before grabbing it and using their combined strength to lever herself onto the branch beside him.

Neither spoke, for it had been so long since they had been alone together that they were unsure of what to say.

"When did we become such strangers?" Lily murmured to him hopelessly.

"We're not strangers." Lysander answered. "We still turn up to this spot every December eleventh. I think that gives us a slightly more elevated status that _strangers._"

Far from reassuring her, Lily felt as though each word was a stab to her chest. She didn't want to be _slightly more than strangers _with him. She wanted to be _best friends.  
_

So when did things change? Lily knew the answer to that question. They had stopped being best friends two years ago, in their fifth year. That was the year Lily had started dating Timothy McLaggen. They were still together, and though Lysander said he was happy for them, Lily couldn't help but wonder if he was.

All she knew for sure was that it was so, so cold without him to lean against.

"Can you believe we're in our seventh year now? Almost finished with Hogwarts!" She said happily, steering the conversation away from what their relationship was classified as.

That kindled a light behind Lysander's eyes. "That reminds me, I've been wanting to talk to you about something." He said enthusiastically. "I thought maybe we could find a flat together in London, something in the city. Then if we both managed to get jobs at the Ministry of Magic, it'd be an easy commute, you know? And we'd find a tree somewhere nearby, to watch the dawn-"

"Lysander." Lily cut him off.

"Yes?"

"I- I'll be living Hogsmeade after we graduate." She looked sad, though Lysander couldn't imagine why.

He cocked his head. "We could find a flat in Hogsmeade, then," he said with a shrug. "Actually, that'd be good too, we could just apparate to work and back, and-"

"Lysander." She broke in again, quieter this time, as if it pained her. "You don't understand. I'll be flatting with Timothy. He asked me to move in with him. He's already been promised a job working as the marketing director for Dervish and Banges, and he says I can work in the store. You know, managing the tills and stuff."

He shook his head mutely at her, trying to find his voice again. "But… you said you wanted to work in the Department of Magical Transportation, and I'd work in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. We planned it all out, remember?"

"We were fourteen, Lysander." She reminded him gently. "Things never turn out the way you think they will when you're fourteen."

"I thought you promised." He whispered. "I thought it meant something."

"Oh, for Merlin's sake, Lysander, grow up!" She wasn't sure what had compelled her to raise her voice at him, but it seemed necessary. He had her feeling confused and ashamed, a feeling that she did not welcome.

"No!" he said, even louder than she. "I won't let you do this, Lily! You don't want to work as a shop assistant, you know you don't. You're one of the smartest witches in the whole school. This is what you want, none of it is! It's all what _Timothy _wants!"

"How do you know what I want?" She asked furiously.

"Because I _know _you, Lily. I've known you for seventeen years." His gaze darkened and he turned away from her. He didn't look angry, just confused and hurt. It almost broke Lily's heart.

"Let's just do what we came here to, and we'll talk about this later." She said sharply.

He snorted and leaped from the tree walking away from her. With a jolt of surprise – and guilt – Lily realised that it was already dawn, that she had missed her moment of frozen perfection.

It was too late.

**2025**

_Lysander,_

_ The eleventh of December is approaching fast. I know we haven't been talking, but it would be a shame to break our tradition. If you would like, find me in Hyde Park (I believe you live near enough?) in the tallest pine tree next to the lake._

_ I'll be there, and I hope very much that you will be too._

_ Love, Lily._

Lily swung her legs back and forth from where she sat on the lowest branch of the tallest pine near the lake in Hyde Park, just where she'd told Lysander she'd be. Her fancy new wizarding watch – employers discount from Dervish and Banges – told her it was almost 5.30 in the morning.

Being alone in the swishing, moving woods in darkness scared her, but not as much as the thought of Lysander not turning up did. They hadn't talked for exactly a year, since the last time they'd sat in a tree to wait for the dawn. Although she had written to him numerous times, Lysander seemed to be ignoring Lily's attempts to keep in touch.

With a miserable sigh, Lily decided that she would be alone this December eleventh morning, for the first time in thirteen years.

Then she saw the glow of an illuminated wand moving through the shadows. Lysander stopped beneath the trunk and stared up at her. He seemed to be expecting something.

Realising, Lily held out a hand to help him up. When he was comfortably seated, he looked away from her, dropping her hand as though it had burned him.

"I- you came." She stammered, disbelieving.

"Yes."

"Does that mean we're friends again?" She asked hopefully, studying that strong profile of his, the one that had become almost as – if not more – familiar than her own during her childhood.

He looked at her, and to her surprise, there was pity in his gaze. "We can't ever be friends."

Lily frowned. "That's ridiculous! Just because you live in London and I-"

"No, Lily." This time it was him cutting her off. "Don't you see? We can't ever be friends because that would never be enough for me. I love you. I hate that it's taken me so many years to say it but it's the truth. I can't be your friend because I need you all to myself. I can't be your _best_ or your _sometimes_. I need to be your _only._ I would never be content knowing that I had to stand back and watch you love someone else. It's your choice, Lily." He looked pleading. "You decide where the road goes from now on."

Lily looked at him, gobsmacked. As she struggled to think of the right words to say, her mouth formed the exact opposite.

"Timothy asked me to marry him."

"Ah," said Lysander softly. "And you said yes?"

"I- I did."

He pursed his lips and turned away, facing out across the dark water. "No, that's… that's great. Congratulations."

Her hand found his on the branch. The sudden contact caused him to start, staring down at their touching skin. When Lysander looked up at her once more, Lily found she could not read his expression. Lysander, the boy she had known all her life, was now completely alien to her. She hated that.

Lysander shook his head slightly. He leaned in, his lips ghosting over her forehead in the imitation of a kiss. Then he leaped down from the tree and walked away into the shadows that the gathering light had not chased away. Lily made no attempt to call him back, and Lysander did not expect her to.

Lily brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself, leaning against the tree trunk. This time, as she watched the moment between the dawn and the night, she fell in love with the way tears warmed a cold face yet numbed the soul.

**2035**

The accidental park – the unclaimed piece of land that had blossomed the solitary oak tree – now served a purpose. The little church had brought it after their graveyard had been filled. The oak remained, leafless in the frosts of winter, but it was surrounded by rows of well-tended, flowery graves.

Lily sat on the lowest branch of the great oak on December the eleventh, wrapped up warm although it did nothing to melt the chill at her core. She had not woken to see the _pause _in ten years. She had not seen Lysander for ten years.

What had she done in ten years? Lily smiled to herself, knowing the answer was obvious. In her home – just a few streets away, on the main road of Godrics Hollow – was her five year old son and her six month old daughter. Her pride and joy. Her life.

Also in her home was her husband. She couldn't remember exactly when she had started hating Timothy, though she suspected it had been on that very day, ten years ago. She didn't want to hate him, she wanted to love him with her whole heart. No matter how hard she tried, however, she could only manage to loathe him inwardly.

She sighed, shifting on her perch. Half of her felt like she was waiting for Lysander, but her logical half knew he was already there.

She looked down at the tombstone directly beneath her. It was too dark to read the words on it, but she knew what it said.

_Lysander Scamander  
2007 – 2034  
Rest in Peace_

Her best friend had passed little over a year ago, doing his duty as an Auror. He went bravely, she heard, in the best way possible. He didn't feel any pain.

She chocked on a sob. Maybe he hadn't felt any pain, but what of those he left behind? Every day was a struggle, every memory a regret, for Lily. He had only been twenty eight years old. Too young to die. Too young to be so heartbroken.

The worst bit about this terrible aftermath was the guilt Lily felt whenever she looked at the inscription on his grave. No '_loving father'_, no '_dedicated husband'_. He deserved some titles on his tombstone. If only she hadn't been so blind, so selfish, _so damn scared_.

Lily wiped her sleeve furiously over her wet eyes. She would not cry, not today. Lysander hadn't been able to stand the sight of her crying. But then again, Lysander had always been there to take her into his arms, assure her that he would always be there for her, make her feel better, love her. And too late, she realized that the warmth and longing she had felt when in his embrace was not friendship, not at all. It was love – it had always been love.

"I'm sorry," she muttered to him thickly. "I'm sorry that you had to love me. Merlin knows I didn't deserve to be loved by someone like you. And you need to know that I did love you, I really did. I still do. And for all those years that I ignored you and hurt you, I hope I suffer for a hundred more years. I am suffering. I _miss _you, Lysander. I miss the way you smiled so hesitantly, as if you wanted to make sure your affection would be received well before you gave it. I miss your warm hugs, and your warm laugh, and your warm heart. You had such a good spirit, though you tried to hide it behind a layer of defensiveness and- and you could be so stupid sometimes too.

"But despite your flaws and your pretending and the fact that you could be so _painfully _shy, you were the best person I ever knew. And I'm sorry I never told you this when I had the chance for you to actually hear it." Something between a sob and a snarl escaped her. The tears were flowing freely now, despite her promise that she wouldn't cry. "Maybe if I had told you all this before you went out there and did your job, then you would have tried harder to not get killed, and you would have come home safe, and I promise I would have been waiting for you there, Lysander. I know I didn't keep our last promise, but I turned up, didn't I? Twenty three years on, and I came.

"I know what you must be thinking, Lysander. That it seems so long since the very first time we sat here, December eleventh, 2013. We were six, and yet we thought we had already found the answer to all things in life. And maybe it really is the answer, because it's brought me back to you, hasn't it? Look, I know I don't deserve anything more from you, but if I could just-" She paused. "If you- If you could just _not be dead_-" Lily squeezed her eyes shut and took a dead breath. "No, this is useless. Just know that I love you, and I'm sorry. I'm so, so damn sorry."

There was, of course, nothing but silence to greet her words. She smiled softly and turned away from the grave, staring up at the sky instead. Any moment now.

And it was back. For the first time in ten years, she saw the magically magnified light of the _pause _all around her, the cold beauty of the natural landscape, somehow flooded in a non-existent light. There were tears blurring her vision but a laugh bubbled in her throat – a laugh, because she could almost feel Lysander beside her, his hand in hears and that endearingly shy smile on his face.

Then it was gone, and he was gone, but that was surprisingly okay to Lily. Because they were best friends – _more _than best friends – and nothing, not even death, could change that.


End file.
